i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
