i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
