i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
