I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
