Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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