I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
