well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
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headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Found your dick twin last night
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
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Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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