ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
