actually, I'm a sock model
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
