I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
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he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
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The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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