got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
