I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
