I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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