she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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