I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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