I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
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