i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
