somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
