Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
