nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
