how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
