I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
