We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
