he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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