somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
