I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
