don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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