Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
