my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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