She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
