I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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