quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
