I wish my penis had an off switch
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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