please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
