Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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