She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
