Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
