theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
