i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
