You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
