well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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