The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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