Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
