my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i now understand why vodka
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
