my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
