Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
