I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
