me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
