i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Less talking, more tequila
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
