I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
