grandma shit on top of the toilet
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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