Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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