the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
