worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
