i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
