I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
