My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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